Pink Ribbon

Assalamualaikum,

This is a sad post. If you do not wish to be sad, do stop reading. If you are curious, go on. Continue reading.

Imagine you just met someone and about a week later, she suddenly die. No signs of sickness, no signs of weakness, she just died. And you remember every single bit of the last moments you were with that person. Every little thing that she did, every single word she said to you, her mannerisms, her laugh, her smile. Everything. 

"Angah, nanti balik kampung amik jus delima Mak La. Mak La dah tak boleh minum sebab tengah buat chemo. Jus tu bagus, Alos dah minum." Then, she said this to an acquaintance sitting next to her, "Dr cakap, dengan keadaan aku sekarang ni kena banyak sedekah." and even after she died, I have not taken the juice yet. My mom told me yesterday that the bottle of juices were already packed in plastics, waiting to be taken by me. The fact she was so persistent asking me to go back to my hometown was kind of off character because I have never seen her do that. She really wanted me to go back.

"Nanti angah tolong cari pemakanan untuk orang yang tengah chemo, boleh? Emailkan kat Biha." and even after she died, I have not had the chance to find the diet that she requested because I was too busy with my life. Damn me.

When she sneakily took a whole box of tissue from the table and slipped it into her goodies bag. She childishly laughed and shushed us. Told us not to tell anyone. It was her brother's event anyway. No one would notice if she took one box of tissue from the table.

And finally, the last image of her that is now engraved in my mind. When we were already in our car, driving away to Kulai and she, walking on the road to get to her car, waving and smiling at us. I waved back. That was the last that I saw her.

When you were in that moment, you never knew that would be the last time you would see her. You never knew that a week later she's going to be gone forever from this temporary world. You never knew that the person you call your aunt, whom you have been seeing for the last 21 years of your life (your whole life, basically) would just disappear in a heartbeat, and you would have to spend the rest of your life in the absence of that person. Who knows how long are you going to live? Maybe next year, it is your turn, maybe you will be dead in 5 years, 10 years, 20? Only Allah knows that. You just need to keep living until that time comes. So, how do you make do without having some of your family members in your life? How? You just do. 

Remember, when you get married in the future, she will not be there to be the life of the party that she was, she will not be there to help cook for your guests, she will not be there to tease your spouse, she will not be there to 'tepung tawar' you on the pelamin. She will not be there when you graduate, when you start working, when you have your first child.

Now I realized, one of the sad parts of growing up is you lose the people you love, and the only thing you can do is make do. Cry your hearts out and move on, but hold on to the memories. 

Tolong sedekahkan al-fatihah untuk Norsilawati Binti Alias, a beloved aunt of mine.  A breast cancer victim. Semoga Mak La ditempatkan dalam kalangan hamba-hambaNya yang beriman, aamiin.

p.s: Dr Nisak asked us to present any clinical topics of our choice a few weeks ago. I chose 'Breast Cancer' and even made a short 1 minute video of said topic. Why the heck am I such a psychic? Dr cancelled that assignment, thank God. If she did not, I would have cried in front of the class when I present that. Damn me and my lack of tear-controlling ability