The burden of ideas

 Assalamualaikum,

Hari ni 22 Ramadan, kalau tak silap. I lost count haha. Kalau time budak-budak dulu setiap hari aku kira. Countdown nak raya punya pasal. Ni dah besar dah tak heran. 

I have been doing a LOOOOOT of planning this month. Taking this huge leap requires a bit of planning, definitely. Banyak benda nak kena fikir, nak kena buat, nak kena siapkan. Dengan otak yang satu, dua tangan yang sempurna, badan yang alhamdulillah sihat walafiat tak ada penyakit ni lah aku put one foot in front of the other. Taking small steps every day. Tapi dia jadi mental breakdown kadang-kadang sebab aku belum nampak apa-apa hasil. Kena selalu ingatkan diri sendiri apa yang aku dah berjaya settlekan instead of thinking about things I haven't. Because I tend to freak out a lot sampaikan recently I've been experiencing SOB and even a tightness in the chest, angina. Me being me, terus paranoid fikir aku mungkin akan kena heart attack lol. It's a possible thing to happen, but then I think this is just my body's way of showing how anxious I am. Take a chill pill, said my body. 

So I went for a bike ride, I hugged/pestered my cats, I proposed iftar with my friends, I watched movies, I read my new pile of books, I window shopped (damn should I buy another ukulele? Or should I learn to play the guitar? I really should buy more yarn supplies & start on those projects I want to do).  

Last year, when I first had the idea to do this business, ideas came flooding into my brain at night which prevented me from sleeping. Kan pelik dia datang waktu aku nak tidur. Kenapa tak datang waktu siang? The thing about having ideas is you get excited, inspired, semua2 lah. But at the same time you're like, "Woah, brain, chill. One by one okay. Don't overwhelm me."

Another thing is, having ideas and executing your ideas are two different demons. You can have millions of ideas but may only have the capacity and resources to execute just 2 or 3 at the moment. There are limits to think about. That's one part of being humans. You cannot do everything you want to do. Kat situlah kena prioritize. Which idea nak buat dulu. Macam mana nak buat. Siapa yang boleh tolong buat. Etc. Etc.

So when people throw more ideas at me, bayangkanlah how it can be a burden. Imagine a full reservoir being filled with more and more water. Tak ke melimpah-limpah lepas tu banjir kat kampung2 sekitar tu? Sick analogy, I know xD I get that people just want to contribute or help in their own ways and I'm grateful for that too, but the way it makes me feel, I can't control. What more, if they give me ideas that I already had but can't execute yet. Makes me feel super powerless as a resident control freak. Haha

In any way, I try to record whatever ideas that I get for future reference. Mungkin bukan sekarang, tapi boleh buat nanti. I find it a bit calming when I write them down on a piece of paper or the Notes app in my phone. Another cool thing about doing this is when I go through old notes to find ideas that have now come into fruition. Imagine dreaming of something and then managing to turn it into a reality a few months later. Makes you feel accomplished and able. Like you could do anything. But the point is to work for it. Dreams don't come true, dreams get made true. 

This whole thing, opening a legit cafe, being a cafe owner, makes me excited and scared at the same time, which are two prominent feelings that I frequently have every time I made a big choice in this journey of forging my own path. Maybe that's how you know you're on the right direction? When it scares and excites you at the same time. 

Maybe that's how you know you're alive.