IPD 2: Hospital Serdang, Hospital Kajang (Encik Asri & Miss Alin)

Assalamualaikum,

I am finally breathing freely now that IPD 2 is officially over. Sebenarnya bila tengok '10 minggu' tu aku ingat lama, tapi tup tup dah habis pun. Kejap je. Despite being in the 10 weeks with the same tiring feeling of "Cepatlah habis, tolonglah. Aku tak larat dah ni".

Hm, entahlah. Aku rasa IPD 2 ni much more challenging than IPD 1. 

1. Mungkin sebab jangka masa panjang tu. IPD 1 dulu just 6 weeks. Ni tambah lagi 4 weeks.

2. IPD 1 dulu kat Serdang je. Ni IPD 2 aku kat Kajang jugak.

3. Higher expectations from CIs, friends, lecturers and even yourself sebab tidak dapat tidak, kau kena ada foundation. Sebab dah berapa belas minggu kau internship kan. 

5 weeks kat Serdang rasa okay je, sebab dah biasa kat situ. Sistem dia, how everything works. Tempat2 kat situ pun dah biasa. Orang pun. Aku tak tahu nak cerita apa kat Serdang sebab mostly lebih kurang je dengan IPD 1, tapi kali ni dapat pergi more wards & tengok lebih banyak disiplin. I was exposed to critical ill case, TPN jugak, yang tak pernah dapat time IPD 1. Yang sayangnya, our 5th week in which we were supposed to take paediatric cases, tak optimize. Puan Liyana was supposed to assist us, tapi bless her, she was not in the pink of health at the time. She was warded kat 6B and we even made a hamper and gave it to her. Best part of being kat Serdang, you get to be with the rest of your classmates. Dapat jumpa kat library, kadang2 kat ward. 

Okay, let's get to Kajang. Totally new environment. Memanglah dah pernah intern kat sini, tapi tu OPD. Duduk kat klinik diet je sepanjang hari. Paling2 pun pergi lunch kat kafe & solat kat surau. Mana pernah naik ward. The first week, we were familiarizing ourselves with the system, and by system, I mean manual documentation. Semua notes dalam BHT. Bertulis tangan. 

First2 masuk ward 1 tu semua orang culture shock. The ward is small, banyak katil dalam satu kubikel dan katil2 tu rapat2. Even kat sebelah sinki, kat tengah laluan pun ada katil. We definitely compared it with Hospital Serdang, and Hospital Kajang, in my opinion is casual. It is a small district hospital. They have a system, but it seemed like some things are just organized mess. Bloodied cotton swab and leaked urine on the floor. Poking hazards that poked me that one time. 

The thing that I struggled with the most was the handwritten notes. I am the kind of person who cannot read someone else's handwriting very easily. It is a skill I do not have. Even more so bila tulisan tu yang memang betul2 buruk, cakar ayam. It honestly stressed me out when I could not read them. 

If kat Serdang, you just need to discuss with the CIs, kat Kajang, kena discuss dengan CI, then CI present kat dietitian hospital, then dietitian sign the DCN, then baru boleh intervene. So aku sangat kesian dengan Miss Alin sebab kena turun naik dari ward ke bilik dietitian. Jauh weh nak menapak tu, lagi2 kalau cuaca panas. Uish.

Patients kat sini sangat cooperative and friendlier compare to those in Serdang. The nurses pun generally baik dan bagi kerjasama, cuma ada certain practices yang tak best kat sini, macam the combination of Ryle's tube mixture for everyone, and that they do not passover cases very specifically. Tapi yup, they are very friendly. That one time, a sister hugged me after accidentally bumping into me (lol Hospital Serdang would never), sebab ward sini kan sempit, so everyone bumps into each other xD A nurse randomly asking me about my skincare routine pun ada. Doctors were mostly nice jugak despite some of them tak buat apa yang depa kata nak buat. Tapi, tu lah, macam2 perangai patient ada kat sini. Yang buka pampers and kencing tengah2 ward pun aku pernah tengok. Allahu, tepuk dahi.

To tell you the truth, I think I was (self-proclaimed) depressed time intern kat Kajang ni. Macam yang aku cakap tadi, aku struggle dengan notes doktor. In addition to that, hospital tu panas. Bas pulak gerak 6.30 pagi, in which during the last week aku banyak drive sendiri je sebab malas nak bangun awal2 pagi. Moreover, I feel like I have reached my limit. I feel like I was not improving as much as the others. Stagnant, sometimes even feeling like I was getting worse.

Jujur aku tak minat klinikal. Even before starting the internship, no, even before I applied for dietetics, memang aku tak minat nak kerja hospital. Tu salah satu sebab kenapa aku tak nak study medic. Aku takde jiwa untuk hospital. Tapi, I went into the internship with an open heart, to learn what I can, maybe bagi chance jugak untuk 'jiwa' tu menyusup, tapi takde. I feel like instead of making me like clinical, this internship further proved that I will never choose to be a clinical dietitian. Aku tak ada passion in this area, and passion is something you cannot fake. So the last few weeks of IPD 2, I felt like an actual zombie. I show up every day, I see my patients, and try to get through the day, but in reality I am just looking forward to go home and be by myself. That is something that I really do not want for myself, doing something without passion. 

But you know what, I got through everything, mostly alone, but I got through. That is the important thing. CI saw through me though, and I was not going to deny, so I told the truth. I tried my very best. Miss was very shock to hear that. "Awak tak nampak macam awak tak suka klinikal pun." That is a good sign. Maksudnya, despite not doing it with my full heart, I did well. Tapi by the end of it all, I was too tired and alone, I could not kick the feeling to the curb anymore, and it showed. 

But you know what?

You did great, Hannysa.

You did great.